You know you live with a 7 year old boy when…..

  • You understand (a bit) the offside rule. If a 7yo gets it then you really have no excuse. Ish. 
  • You hear the word “willy” 75 times a day.
  • The phrase “you have butt crack boobs” is heard when the teenager is getting ready.
  • You play the game “guess the footballer” and you have clues such as “he’s left footed” oh, well, I know a whole load of those…….!?
  • You spend 75mins standing on the side a freezing cold Astro pitch watching football. After talking about football. And listening to the football scores. 
  • You look for ways to burn off energy in silence. So far, you’ve found nothing.
  • You consider making the toilet 3 foot wider on the off chance the pee will make it inside instead of, well, everywhere else.
  • YouTube. YouTube. YouTube. What do you mean there’s no wifi?!?
  • Freestylers are gods. If you don’t know this, PAH, then are you even cool??
  • Expecting homework to be done without a tantrum that could shame even Donald Trump is a stupid idea. Fool.
  • Speaking of the POTUS, you hear the sentence “Donald Trump is a …….” and feel your heart stop. Luckily it ends in Crump. You add your own alternative ending silently in your mind.
  • You get asked if you know how to drive your husbands car. You roll your eyes, and reply OF COURSE. While secretly wondering where the hell the handbrake is. Just shut up and get in the back kiddo.
  • A day without technology is torture. For both of you.
  • When punishment reaches no iPad level, you get scared. What the hell can you use for 10 mins peace now!?
  • You count to 5 regularly. You’ve never actually reached 5 because 3 & 4 get really loooooooong and drawn out & who knows what you’re supposed to do once 5 has been hit.
  • The Simpsons music on the telly reminds you it’s dinner time soon.
  • A bath is not a bath without goggles and a snorkel. That shit is deep, who knows what you might spot. Whales, dolphins, lego men…..
  • Lynx. Everywhere. You can taste it for hours after they’ve gone to school.
  • Don’t even try to help with the hair. ITS NOT HOW THEY WANT IT OK???
  • The thirstiest, neediest, chattiest version of your child arrives at bedtime. If he doesn’t come downstairs at least twice he must be knackered. You will then go UPstairs at least twice to check he’s still breathing.
  • You mutter under your breath “for fuck sake” approximately 138 times a day. More during the weekend. Holidays make you lose count.
  • You wonder how the complete and utter crazed lunatic can give you so much loving that you want to squish him up and keep him small forever.
  • You get the best smooches. All. Day. Long.
  • No matter how naughty he’s been, hearing “I love you mummy” wipes every slate clean. And he knows it. 


Look at those chubby cheeks. Aged 2 and a bit. 


1 Comment

  1. Pat
    February 2, 2017 / 2:17 pm

    This made me laugh a lot!! Will get you to explain off side rule now you are an expert lol
    Love the photo – they grow up too fast!!!!

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