Wellbeing: The List // What Anxiety Really Is

Anxiety

 

I haven’t done an Anxiety post for a while, I have some saved in drafts but they just don’t seem to flow, or sound right, so I don’t post them. 

I wanted to write this list because it’s still not really understood. There are still people out there who think it’s just stress, a bad time, you’ll get over it, you need to find something to take your mind off it. 

That’s not what it is. 


It’s more than worrying. It’s more than a little bit of stress. It’s all of your worst fears pounding away in your head all the time, making you believe they will come true with your next breath. 


It’s sending a text message to someone and worrying that you haven’t made it sound right, that the tone is off, so you send another, and another, explaining how you didn’t mean for it to sound like that. When it probably didn’t anyway. 


It’s answering messages to people at the speed of light in case they think you hate them, and they then realise they hate you. 


It’s waiting for something, but in that time, be it 5 minutes or 5 hours, you’ve started imagining all sorts of scenarios where the end result is you being wrong and making someone hate you. 


It’s believing people are ignoring you on purpose, rather than them being busy, or unable to answer you. 


It’s saying sorry for things you don’t need to say sorry for. 


It’s doubt. In yourself, in others. In anything good happening, because it’s you. You don’t deserve good really, do you? 


It’s being so aware of everyone’s mood, you can sense when they’re angry before they can. You can hear the change in their voice when you’ve pushed it that little bit too far because you’re scared they will judge you and you just need to explain yourself one more time. When they’re not judging you at all. 


It’s believing that no one likes you, why would they? And ruining something before it’s even begun. 


It’s always thinking. Never switching off. Never relaxing. 


It’s a racing heart and a banging head on the inside but a perfectly calm face on the outside. No one can see that you’re drowning.


It’s feeling like a liar. What do you have to worry about? There are people with worse situations. Do you really have anxiety or are you just being silly? 


It’s feeling like a fraud. Maybe it’s not that bad. 


It’s wanting to fix everything, even if it’s not broken. And then breaking it for that very reason. 


It’s questioning. Everything. All. The. Time. 


It’s thinking everyone is looking at you, judging you, waiting for you to mess up so they can say, I told you so. 


It’s trying to please everyone and ending up pleasing no one. 


It’s never being late. Always 15/30/60 minutes early, just in case. 


It’s being terrified of failing.


It’s wanting to do everything and never saying no. 


It’s not doing anything because you don’t know where to start. 


It’s crying every day, but smiling as soon as you leave the house.


It’s praying no one asks you if you’re OK. Because you don’t know how much longer you can pretend. 


It’s needing to control everything. 


It’s lashing out because you don’t know how else to deal with the hurt. 


It’s wanting to be liked. To be loved. 


Anxiety is exhausting. It drains the very life out of you, every part of you hurts and is tired, you wake up tired, no matter how much sleep you get.

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