“……. the award to the sh*ttest blogger of the week goes toooooooooo….” Me. That would be me.
I mean, what has even happened this week? Last week I was on fiyah, I did like, four whole posts and I had so much to say in all of them. This week? Nada.
I don’t know if it’s the weather, the time of year, the time of the month (uh huh) or what, but I just haven’t had the oomph this week to write anything. So, I thought I’d just start typing and see where my fingers took me.
2017 so far
It’s been a shitty few months, I’m not going to lie. Quitting work, dealing with anxiety and (mild) depression, going freelance, arguing with the husband, parenting a teenager and an eight year old, all these things literally zap the life out of you. Until February, I didn’t actually know how much of myself had been zapped. I was hiding behind this wall of angry, which I thought was hiding my (rising) panic quite well. And that is funny, because everyone else could see it a mile off. Bastards.
I was so busy trying to actively ‘be OK’ that I was getting further and further away from it. Which really isn’t OK.
Although it’s been a PROPER shit year so far (if June could sort itself out and show the rest of 2017 how it should be done, that would be great, thanks universe) I also think it needed to be, if you’re catching my drift. I needed to have that major meltdown in order to become who I am today.
Well hello there deep and meaningful Kate. Nice to meet you.
I had turned into a person I didn’t recognise, or even like. Everything, and I mean everything, made me angry and stressed out. I was constantly on edge and irritated by the simplest of things. Things that should have made me happy did the opposite and I was almost like a woman possessed. I’m quite good with words, they come very easily to me, so I could scream for hours about the injustice of being stuck in traffic, or the wifi being slow, not getting the coffee I asked for or having to wait half an hour past my appointment time, but I couldn’t explain *why* it was all driving me so bat shit crazy. I’m sure my head was very close to spinning round exorcist style at one point. Or maybe more than one point. Several points.
Then the meltdown happened. It all came out at once, everything that had been pouring on top of me, for god knows how many years, all the anger and bitterness came out in one massive explosion. Like a freaking volcano I went BOOM.
And, just like that, I’m a different person.
Well, I say, just like that, obviously the explosion took some time and a whole lot of tears, it wasn’t over in a flash. It was draining and exhausting, I felt like I’d done ten rounds with Anthony Joshua (mmmmmm) and then had to do a marathon after. I was battered and bloody bruised.
But, in a sick and twisted way, because I am and will forever be, slightly sick and twisted, I’m glad it happened. I could not have carried on like I was. I would have lost people who mean the world to me, if I didn’t like being around me, why the hell would they?
It has given me a second (third?) chance to sort my shit out and get my life on track. It’s only taken me 36 years but ya know, nobody likes to rush these things. It’s like I’m finding out who I am all over again, a brand new (better) version of me. A bit like the new iOS but without the glitches. Or maybe with, who knows.
There are still times when things wind me up, situations push my buttons and I want to shout at someone for being an idiot, but who will that help? Not me. Not them. They’ll probably carry on being an idiot and think that I’m an idiot too. And I don’t want to be in their idiot gang thank you very much.
I want to be in my own gang, with people I love and cherish, doing things that make us happy and not really worrying about stuff that can’t be controlled or changed. I want to be happy, I really want my babes to be happy, and it’d be quite nice if you were happy too. I’ve gone from my mind constantly spinning at 100mph to living life in the slow(er) lane and it feels really nice.
All that from someone who didn’t have much to say. Imagine what I’m like when I’ve got a LOT to talk about…!