It’s finally Friday! My weekend started yesterday at around 5pm and I’m lucky enough (for now) to be out of work until Tuesday morning, so I have a lovely long weekend every week.
I had grand plans for today, I was going to be ticking things off lists like a machine.
Instead, I woke up realising I’m on day 25 of my cycle and I’m about as much use a glass hammer.
You know that feeling when you wake up and instantly you’re in A Mood. There is no reason for it, apart from those bastard three letters that creep up on you every single month when your period is due.
My PMS used to be AWFUL. Even I didn’t want to be around me back then. Thankfully, it seems to have eased off slightly in the last couple of years. And what I mean by slightly, is it doesn’t last as many days, there’s still full on rage, violence and tears for no reason, just it’s condensed into 2 or 3 days instead of a whole week. Lucky me.
The first sign for me (and in terms of signs, we’re talking big, flashing, neon arrows here) is The Rage.
The Rage hit me this week when someone decided to cut me up on a main road. She wasn’t looking where she was going, AT ALL, and as I was happily travelling along, she just swerved in front of me.
Oh my god the anger. I felt it bubbling up like a giant pot of boiling water and, had I been in an episode of Monster Trucks R Us, I would have happily driven right up over her car to make her aware of just how much she pissed me off.
I didn’t, obviously. Because, a; I’m not insane and b; that is very much illegal, despite my period being due.
But did I want to? Yes. A massive fucking yes.
When I have The Rage I am terrifying. I feel like I could flip a truck when I’m in that moment. And there is every possibility that I could actually gather the strength to do it . It comes from deep within, a feeling so full of power it shocks me. There’s no stopping it either, once that lid is lifted, The Rage is free to explode over everything. Like PMS’ing lava, destroying everything in its wake.
Of course, following the spike, there’s the massive come down the other side.
And with that come down comes the waterworks.
Now, I’m a crier at the best of times. Adverts, songs, shows, even cartoons FFS, I will cry. If someone is crying/hurt/upset I am right there next to them crying along. I’m emotional. I wear my heart on my sleeve all the time.
I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not. But I’ll tell you this. Watching BGT while due on is a ROOKIE MISTAKE.
Once I start crying, it’s highly unlikely that I’ll stop anytime soon.
You see? I’m a joy to be around. Either hulk smashing things out of my way or sobbing uncontrollably because a teddy bear got left at a train station and now he’s all alone. God that poor teddy.
Completely normal behaviour I’m sure you’ll agree.
Maintaining a life isn’t easy during these days. Not only am I swinging from one extreme mood to the next, but I’m also more knackered than I’ve ever been. No matter how much sleep I get, I wake up feeling (and looking) like I’ve not slept for a week. Add to this, the fact that the night before my period I have total insomnia – which is apparently due to the raised body temperature – by the time my period arrives I feel like I’ve spent a week in battle.
Of course, having a job (or 3) kids, a husband, a house and 2 dogs means I can’t just escape to my bed, or send myself off on some retreat every time I feel the PMS approaching.
But Christ on a bike I wish I could.
Instead, I just have to keep going. Which usually means lots of chocolate, PJ’s from the second I get home, feeling very sorry for myself and hiding away in my house until the red rage passes.
I love being a woman, despite the shitty patriarchy battles that we seem to be facing every single day, I absolutely love being female. During the ‘good’ points of my cycle I am earth goddess, woman warrior and all encompassing feminine powerhouse.
But for those 3 days of the month I wish I was wielding a penis and stable level of testosterone.
I’m still (clearly) working on taming the joyous beast that is PMS, but I have been trying to find ways to reduce how much it affects my (and my families!) life. I track my cycle with Flo, an app which let’s me keep an eye on where I am in the month so I can prepare myself for what’s to come.
I try not to plan anything around those 3 days, because I know, at best I’ll be snappy and at worst I’ll be an evil cow to be around, and it’s no fun for anyone, including me. I’ve been reading up on the benefits of magnesium supplements, for both PMS and feeling less exhausted, both of which I need help with!
But it’s an ongoing situation, which, I’m led to believe doesn’t get any easier when you hit pre menopause and menopause. Not that I’m in any rush to get there. I’d just like to be a little less erratic before my period is due, so I can carry on being the god damn goddess that I am.